The Birds & the Bees….and Aguas

I might regret this post one day but I’m living in the moment and not the future… for now anyways. James Dobson always has my ear on parenting issues and so when I heard him talk about children and sex education I wanted to listen carefully. At the time Mitchell was only a baby but I thought I would store up the info for when we needed it. Dobson suggests that a parent have the s.ex talk with their child as they begin Kindergarten. He explains it much better than I can but the main idea is that it’s better for a child to have an initial understanding of s.ex explained through truth (by parents)  than their friend’s explanation on the bus or at the lunch table. He says they will hear about it so you might as well be the first to explain it to them so they have a framework already in place so that when it does come up with friends there is a grid in which to process that information. I never totally bought into this thought process especially when I stacked it up against my personal experience. I was first introduced to s.ex education  my Freshman year of college in Biology 101. Oh, yes, I’m very serious. I was appalled, mortified and shocked to be taught the body parts I didn’t know existed inside the male and female body. I know, I know….the human body is a beautiful thing. I know. But I wish I had known from the comforts of my own home before I had to know about it in a class of 50 for the first time. I know my jaw was on the floor and my face ashen for the first hour of class. So that is  my reference point. Everyone says you are supposed to use the correct anatomical terms in teaching your children the parts of the body and such. WHATEVER! I’m sorry but I just don’t want to hear my seven year old use the word p---- for his weiner. I just don’t. So we use the little kid terms. It just works for us. But here’s the down side to that….

Mitchell is nine and he thinks boo.bs are called “aguas”. Here’s why: when he was about three I was rocking him and I was wearing an aqua colored sweater. He noticed my boo.b and patted it and said, “what is that?” In my ultra naive mind I thought he was asking me what color my sweater was so I said, “Aqua” and then talked about all the colors of the rainbow and such. Well, about a year later we both saw a lady walking out of a gas station that was very huge up top. I mean, really big. I was afraid Mitchell noticed and indeed he did. He glanced over at me and sort of half gasped and half laughed and said, “Mom, did you see that ladies’ agua’s?”  I suddenly realized what had happened about a year earlier and what he was really asking. I was only a year behind. Could be worse. Well, I decided to just let him think that’s what they were called. That would protect him and me from having to discuss the real term for a little while anyways. And to this day the child still thinks that agua’s are what God gave to girls. Here’s how I know: We went through the Wendy’s drive through last week and there was a huge sign that said “Get some fresh cold agua" or something to that effect. I didn’t see the sign but Mitchell did because I heard him start cracking up in the back floor board (we still don’t have the back seats in our van. Somebody slap your neighbor and say redneck.)  And then he said, “MOM! That sign talked about getting some agua’s in the restaurant!!!! That is SO gross!!!! I can’t believe they would put that on a sign. How do you do that anyways?” I about wet my britches right on the spot. I came home and said, “Oh Randy, you are going to have to have the talk soon with Mitchell. I feel so bad for letting him think that this whole time. ” We still haven’t had the talk. But I feel it’s time. The other night at the dinner table he asked if people could make milk. I just couldn’t tell him milk came from agua’s. All I know is that we gotta have this talk before he starts taking Spanish. They’ll get to the word “water” and Mitchell will be erupting with laughter while his face turns ten shades of red. All because his Momma didn’t have the nu-nu’s to use real words!